How I am Feeling #26
‘Would you like your child to be raised by a Nanny?’
A peacock taunts a crane with the dullness of her plumage. ‘Look at my brilliant colors,’ said she, ‘and see how much finer they are than your poor feathers.’ ‘I am not denying,’ replied the crane, ‘that yours are far gayer than mine; but when it comes to flying I can soar into the clouds, whereas you are confined to the earth like any dunghill cock.’ [Aesop]
It’s my birthday haha. I was reading a comment my dad made whilst on holiday, it said he felt guilty. Last week my father asked if he could see me on my birthday, I said I was busy, I felt guilty. My father had felt guilty for taking a week off work, he prides himself on constantly working. It seems as if I have taken on this trait. The fact is my schedule has been set in stone for weeks. I was peaking at my birthday week last month, it’s long, technical, and it’s as usual going to need some multitasking. I have 8 hours of meetings schedules for a 4 hour slot this week, on one goddamn day. That sorta shit. Should I try and push through leaving some disappointed, or try and get it logistically sorted out. It is my birthday today, I had my first video call with a few breaks from 9-3, 3:30-4:30, then 4:50 to 6 has begun. After that I have a networking event scheduled in for 7-9pm. It is currently 18:52 so by the clock I should be saying Good Evening in the chat function introducing myself etc.
I was in the top 5% of food distributors in the whole of the UK. I was being pushed to open a food bank, with the level of fatigue I feel right now I am glad I did not. Coronavirus opened my eyes, the opportunities really came to me. I am honored. The same girl who turned down the opportunity to represent countries abroad and shied away from escorting prime ministers wives around the city like a maid as I thought better would come. It has come. I really really questioned myself, some even told me not to make a Sociology blog. I was on set and being deterred. And yes, there are consequences. I have not, I feel found an everlasting security, potentially this is imposter syndrome. Or maybe I am burnt out. However I feel it is necessary to be constantly transparent so let me let you into the last year.
There is no need to be transparent. In all honesty, at times I feel my transparency has hindered my growth but so be it. We choose our paths, it shows strength of character to stick with it to the end. There was a belief I had, that I could make my money and go. Separate myself from my social persona, work, activism, legal life, property endeavors, and life of hedonism. I was extremely naïve. Donald Trump is the best example I can give of this, things he said, things he did in the early 1990s becomes fuel or evidence to use against him in 2017. Reflecting on Alex’s hate towards my Trump sympathies was painful. In 2021, the internet moves faster than that. During a quarantine I had groups outside my house, I would love to say there has been one person I have caught trying to get in through the garden, I have not been allowed to sleep for months phones calls in the early mornings, I have had to seek legal advise and opinions into numerous situations. I have thought I was going to be harmed.
Which takes me to another issue. How I have begun to perceive people. I am so disappointed to be targeted in such a way. I try so hard not to go to the police, I don’t want to give anyone a criminal record. I am a Sociologist I know of the long term ramifications. But what choice am I left? From those who neglect sick family members for people on dating apps, to the constant need for oversexualisation on social media. Potentially, I simply wasn’t paying attention enough to see it before but the whole thing saddens me. Some people have been doing absolutely nothing this quarantine. But, how? With so many remote opportunities. Avenues in which you could have shown yourself. I have become I guess, perplexed. It seems as though there is even a correlation between worklessness and sexualisation. Very sad. What happens when you cannot reverse a trend?
Then I see two divides. One half has quite a bit of work to do, and the other half is twiddling thumbs. I was videoing with Jackie last Bank Holiday Monday. At the end she was like oh thanks for talking to me on Bank holiday I was like I didn’t know it was a bank holiday and we had a little giggle. I literally woke up and continued with work. Was maybe 3-4 hours into work that I checked Instagram and saw someone say the words ‘Bank Holiday’. I did two different Google searches before I was convinced it was a bank holiday. But the fact that another woman was like mate I had no idea made me laugh. I had been slightly embarrassed that I just kept going but that’s what I’m like. I really just keep going. Gave me sympathy as I haven’t had a glass of wine in nearly a month. And, I have realized it is now 20:35 and I am working my way through this article. Whilst watching Seaspiracy? Why? I am being charged for Netflix monthly but realized I haven’t tuned in since Jan/Feb idk.
Is the side which works better than the other? God no. Some people have been forced out of work, some do not need to work, some are too sick to work. Be empathetic. As Alex once said, my work life stops me from taking drugs. It keeps me regulated as I know I have to present myself. Not working can lead to chaos.
Whilst overworking takes a toll. And, sometimes people really don’t understand. Some of the protestors who seek out my home, are protesting the same thing as me. They just think I am aligned with conservatives, the police, and their enemies… yeah umm hmm. Sometimes I actually try and tell myself if I can’t deal with this I can’t deal with anything. But come on. It is no wonder, frequently, people do not know where I live. In order to draw myself away from what shouldn’t be a problem I throw myself head first into work. Acting as though I can solve all problems like some sort of omniscient God.
I had a conversation with Alex once, and I was saying you don’t get it. They hate me. They don’t realise we are on the same side. I explained to him what happened with Bill Gates in his early career. There was a time when Gates couldn’t go anywhere without being attacked. He was outright blamed for the lack of the success of his competitors… very weird. Personally, I never believed he was a evil dominant mogul attempting to control the world. This takes me onto another rich man, in February, I was commissioned to do quite a bit of work on Phil Knight the brains behind Nike. I remember examining the large cases he fought at such a young age what 26? 27? The Knight files. How alienated he must have felt. But how he feel now that Nike has built a legacy. Hugh Hefner is also one of my inspirations. Potentially I should pay more attention to his ‘lonely legacy’.
So this morning my dad tried again, how about we video chat after work? Sure, that should work only my phone just broke and I gotta use my laptop for business purposes. So many opportunities, so little time. I am in a way better place than last year, the opportunities have been limitless. I am proud to say at 26 I have done more than I thought I would. In some ways you can say I am proud. But in numerous ways I can say I messed up, or have I? What really pissed me off today was being asked would you like your child to be raised by a nanny. In a professional setting. The whole aim of the blog was the avoid that, but erm yeah I haven’t avoided it one bit. I will not be paid big bucks to be a stay at home wife, I am on my path, it seems my child shall have a nanny. Who am I kidding, I was in childcare before I could walk.
When some have such a strong aversion to working, it is easy to see how familial wealth would only last for 3 generations. This meeting really should have begun gotta love Partners, it began 10 seconds in. Multitasking now (10 am 13th of April).
Some days this quarantine, I woke at 2-3am and just got on with work. There were times when my chest was really hurting me. Numerous times I wouldn’t eat until 2… pm. Then I would laugh it off. All the while I was working out, so looking toned but wearing myself down. Who could get in contact with me? I saw as people messaged me then unsent the message after 4 days, removed me as a friend, and felt neglected. I just went through this mental state where I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. Potentially to compensate I just pushed.
Everything paid off.
A Circle of Success
Look around you, examine your friends. Are they not making moves? Does it not motivate you? Or do you completely falter in light of the competition. My circle is characterized by everlasting success, we breathe it. Following our 2nd year at Loughborough most of us went on placements. We worked in Old Street, Wall Street, Manchester, and Mexico City Respectively. We had a camping trip before we all went away in Bishop Stratford (Kobi’s back yard) we all wished each other well. We got our first dose of post university depression QUICK. Prior to graduating I had a moment where I was sitting with playboy models all back from Asia, and all I and another graduate could say was we were at university (reasons to avoid set jobs at the excel center ;’)). I felt so small. Now one of my bigger agents would like me to resign as there is so much set work on, as Alex said. But I don’t think I have any time. It was my birthday yesterday now.
On the phone to one of these boys who flew to Geneva to head a private wealth group, another in a Liechtenstein financial group, another exploring green business in Firenze, another in Monaco, Watford, Canada. Constantly combining skills to better ourselves. How can you not be motivated? I was at one point in final year studying with Eric for daysssss. Joe popped in and we were perplexed, Where have you been? We have been working our butts off, you full need to get in on this energy.
Do you think I am allowed to fail? Hahah they kept me going. Final year Loughborough I am working full weeks with Channel 4 whilst doing my dissertation. I remember a day I returned home, obviously the whole friendship group lived on Granville Street. So I stopped off just as I had no idea when I could see them again. We worked ourselves into the ground. Only clubbed 3 times in my final year, and it has been years now. It paid off. Now, this is one of the rules of power. I must reread the book. [Ordered 13th of April 2021]
I remember watching Joel Fishel push as an expert on BBC, crafting an unorthodox career but look at him now. Still a fantastic friend. Bartosz Beda, Joe Traxler, from Austen Western to Julia Kenny. I have tried to ensure my best friends are innovative hard workers, pushing against the mold. I have tried to build a friendship group as such similarly.
Why am I reordering? Simple, my friend borrowed the book. Incorporated some of the rules, scored a giant deal with a major group and decided giving the book back was a terrible idea.
Law 5 – So much depends on Reputation, guard it with your life
You want individuals to be singing your praises so whatever you do, do it exceptionally well. But what they’re saying in private is even more valuable. You reputation is created and then maintained. Might be easier for a Sociologist to think of it like an item gaining and losing value over time. What memorable qualities set you apart?
Law 10 – The best way to protect yourself is to pay close attention to the people around you. Start by considering their effect on others, rather than who/what they blame their problems on
Some have no impact on others whatsoever. Low influence. One of the examples given is helping a drowning man who wants to drown, he has no issues if you drown alongside him. Hell, the more the merrier.
Law 17 – Keep others in suspended terror, cultivate an air of unpredictability
Law 18 – Do not build a fortress to protect yourself, isolation is dangerous
Protect yourself with proper friendships. If you cut yourself off you cut yourself off from opportunity just as much as danger. You also leave yourself wide open for attack. Isolating yourself when under pressure is always wrong. Your allies may warn you of impeding problems, isolating you do not even get to hear of what is coming your way.
Law 21 – Play a sucker to catch a sucker, seem dumber than your mark
For those who do not understand the ‘Laws’ they are facets of which to live by. You are to avoid the unhappy and unlucky. Those who seem to live a life where they bring misery upon themselves, they exude discontent, they have a history of turbulent and failed relationships. People shy away from praising them. [48 Laws of Power] Law 10: Avoid the unlucky and the unhappy.
There was a suicide in my friendship group which affected me a hell of a lot more than I had ever expected it to. Nearly a year on about a week ago I found myself crying in bed. I realised I didn’t process it well at all, and unresolved pain catches up on you. The boys closest to this young man, are stagnating. I am still trying to motivate one to move more. But do you understand suicide? Do you understand Bereavememt? I cannot remember hardly anything for maybe 6 months after my mum died. Another friend has literally no family members left.
Rest in Peace Alex gone but not forgotten. 9:20am wiping the tears from my eyes, I begin at 10 today as it was expected we would end be finishing the night around 10pm. I’ve begun either way as I was reflecting on my life.
Law 31: Control the options, let others choose the cards you deal
One of my good friends em brought my attention to the plight of Syria this quarantine. So I embarked on a personal journey. Since 2016, I have maintained pretty good relations with Gaziantep University. About 10km from the Syrian border. I will be the first to say the work they’re doing is vital. Tracking the flow of immigrants out of Syria and into turkey. One of their lecturers won an amazing film award, I gave them a place to stay in 2019 as they help red carpet events. Tried not to be offended when I was only invited last minute :/ Well I wanted to set up a page getting money to them. Other people had told me to be careful.
How do you ensure the money ends up with those whom need it? How do you know the money will not end up in IS hands? Was I doing my due diligence, is there more to philanthropy than simply pushing research and sending money. Before I knew it I was getting loads of messages and facetiming being basically asked outright for money. I discussed with Nuard and she confessed she is also being asked for money from other individuals. It left the most sour taste in my mouth. So you mean, these people can see we are pushing on and they think we will just become another financial avenue. We vowed not to send money, and it really got me thinking I can’t be sending money anywhere I am not able to get on the ground to see what’s happening. That naive young girl behaviour has no place in my future.
I will present the world with options but I will not be forced to deal certain cards.
Tanking Promotional Avenues
The fact is…. am I good at this? Depends where you look and who you are, in some circumstances even who you ask! Hugh Hefner did not start playboy until he was 27, I still have not utilized his money raising tactics. Was Ronald Reagan a good Sociologist? Hazel V. Carby?
In one space I was recently called an expert by an Academic. According to me on social media, I only delved into this area a few months ago. According to my knowledge this is 10 years of built upon practice. Therefore, when I am arguing I am reverting back to what I learnt a long time ago and it would be too long to build others up from that time to now. But even in this area. I am faltering. I was presented with a great opportunity where I would be promoted up and would take 70k average before 30. Lazy me kicked in, I was like why prepare? Wing it. So it’s no surprise I absolutely faltered. In an area I am fully confident. But I am being pushed again, another opportunity, bigger salary, bigger area, bigger insecurity. and I think I am at that stage again where I feel I cannot do it. As if I faltered in an area where I was ultra competent then I don’t feel confident in an area with 0 experience. In fact I keep thinking death may be the better option to constant failure. I am going to fail this so fucking bad. I can’t recite the area, I can’t follow developments. When I told Nuard I was thinking the other area with more time was better but I was being pushed to this she said oh no it’s not, ***** yes it is.
How times change, listening to two lawyers now who seem to be looking at how my area of ‘expertise‘ is extremely related to the area I am being pushed towards. I really really hope so. Gonna explore this avenue but I feel better again. RANSOMEWAREEEE NJPJODF;,’DPVS[ADVLNVBKKJDJHSCFBJJH the magic word <3 Borderless crime.
So, I guess it was a news flash again like oh okay this is it. I have no choice but to keep working, as there is always someone craving your opportunities and realistically the higher you climb the worse it is. I am expected to be extremely proficient much more than I ever expected. If I could talk to my past self I would say, you’re going to value those who come to you with fine detail.
Sundays ago, I am on a video chat with Eric and Joe, was lovely to have these men drag me out of depression. I am here again but Joe is saying keep going. Once again, I am glad to have these men constantly pushing me out of depression. But think of the individuals who share depression posts, half the time these people must be joking.
This being said I should decide what I want. I worked hard I am being presented with opportunities but they’re harder now. Could always throw in the bag and do correspondence for Al Jazeera or Russian Today. Just be a writer, was talking to a book writing company who were saying they’re happy to give 10k+ a month for manuscripts. For children’s books nonetheless. With all the opportunities I am struggling to see a clear path but I will find it. The likelihood I will give up on a challenge is extremely low.
Law 45 – Preach the need to change, but never reform too much at once
Law 47 – Do not go past the mark you aimed for. In victory know when to stop.
As I am constantly impressed by what I do, what my friends do, what it seems we will do in the future. I have to not get distracted some earlier things I sought to do have still gone undone. In the legacy of people who have died I owe it to myself to not become distracted by all the alternate pathes I see around me. Ultimately, quarantine showed me I am simply unimpressed.
Law 48 – Assume Shapelessness
The worst thing that can possibly happen is someone maps out your own career. Linkedin was great for those hoping to stalk you, for building you career come on. Better you mainatin good relations with people over time. You must be a force of innovation and flexibility. Do not choose to be the rock, when you can be the air. The world simply does not allow for illogical rigidity.
By Shaneka Knight